Chapter Notes:

If it resembles the Whendonverse, it belongs to Whedon and affiliates. If it doesn't, it belongs to the dark annals of my mind and I offer it to you for entertainment purposes only. 

Shout out to Telsa, who read about 20 versions of this chapter before giving it her seal of approval, and giving me a hug. 

The One Where Spike Does That Thing He Does


First off- In real life, Spike doesn’t look the way he does on TV. Hate to spoil it for you, but his hair isn’t, and never was, bleach blonde, though after seeing in on the telly he considered doing it as a lark. (Spike speak for doing something for kicks)


As hot as that guy on TV looks with white hair, I didn’t want Spike to do it. Spike’s hair is dark brown, these days he keeps it short, though he says he’s had it “every sort of way” over the years.


Like the TV character, Spike is extremely handsome. Big time, serious, toe curling handsome. It kept my mom from trusting him for forever. She said  his good looks and charm were working in his favor, earning him brownie points he didn’t deserve. He had to earn her trust the hard way.


I know that his good looks did a number on me. His “charm”, as she calls it, he used to a much lesser degree, meaning he didn’t go out of his way to say a lot of suave or nice things to me. Even so, I did very much like the way he spoke to me and treated me. I liked the way he never got flustered, worked up or angry about things I said and did. His whole “give her time” attitude was refreshing to me, even healing.


When you’re in a profession where you’re expected to die young, people tend to push you and tell you how there is very little time for anything. Then along comes this guy who doesn’t get worked up, because he knows I need to do this thing, or feel that thing, and process all of it. Spike understood that it was still my life, and whether it was short or long, I had a right to it.


Now I’ve invited him into my room and we both know why he’s there. Spike’s not the sort to dither about (another one of his terms) and not do what he came to do. I wasn’t sure what to do next. It’s not like he’s my boyfriend and we can make small talk about school or whatever.


How do you initiate sex with someone you don’t know very well and who has 140 years of sexperience? At least I knew that if I got weird and babbly he’d be tolerant about it and likely just take charge and move things along.


The first thing I said was pretty stupid, but at least I wasn’t babbling.
“So how’s this going to work?”


He was taking off his shoes. “Your mother never had the talk with you? I thought they taught all this in school these days.” He was pulling his shirt free of his jeans.


“Well, I mean I know….the basics.”


“Well then, we’re halfway there.” He looked at me with a very satisfied smile on his face. Then he pulled his shirt over his head and Holy Hell... there was that body.


I made a noise, a little helpless, hungry whimper. He REALLY smiled then.


I could tell he was considering taking off his pants, but he didn’t. He undid his belt, removed his socks and came over to me. He cupped my elbows in his hands. I remember that because it was an unusual thing to do, and it brought my attention to the fact that my hands were up, covering my mouth, trying to hold back another one of those whimpery noises.


He raised my arms and tugged my shirt off, I had no bra on because I was wearing my pajamas. Now HE made a little noise, apparently my pathetic boy breasts were so hideous after all!


“Lights on or off?” he asked. I didn’t know what to say. I liked looking at him, but things were going to get…you know.


“Doesn’t matter to me,” he said. “I can see in the dark.”


“Then off, I guess.” I moved away from him and bent down to turn off the lamp on my bedside table. While I was bent over, his arms went round me and as soon as the light was out he had me pulled up against his chest. That was amazing.


His chest felt SO good against my back that I probably made that sound again. Nothing against Scott, but Spike’s arms are better. Spike has strong man arms, and strong man hands. He was rubbing his chin against my neck and one of his hands was messing with my boy breasts. His other hand was headed south, it stopped somewhere around my stomach.


“Take your pants off,” he said, and he let me go. I did it, then stood facing him. I was about to feel weird about it but he didn’t let me. He pulled me towards him and started kissing me.The kiss wasn’t hard or passionate, but I wanted it hard and passionate. I opened my mouth and immediately he was in it. It didn’t take long for me to open it because I was very turned on.


The second my hands clawed at his back he was pulling me that much closer. He didn’t push me or rush me, but neither did he have any inclination to take things slowly. He was going to go as far and as fast as I let him.


I was so lust addled and self conscious about my lack of experience, that It didn’t occur to me, that Spike was afraid of me. I was the Slayer, She of the Super Powers. I could have hurt him, even killed him. Pissing me off in any way was NOT a good idea. He really wanted this but he also wanted to live to see another day. He wasn’t going to push his luck and say “Give it to me now, bitch.”


I didn’t realize that, until years later, when he told me he’d been afraid. He was pretty sure I was as mad for it as he was, but he could tell I was nervous. It was my being nervous that scared him the most. It made me more likely to turn on him, but that isn’t how I remember it. I remember thinking that this was kind of cool. The second I wanted something, I got it. It hadn’t been that way with Scott.


There wasn’t a lot of foreplay, and I really didn’t care. It wasn’t like I was going to make him work for it. I was pretty much broadcasting “Damn, you’re hot, would you fucking fuck me already!”, and he was pretty much obliging.


Creedo for vampires that don’t have a death wish: Give the Slayer what she wants.


I still had my panties on and he still had his pants on and then it was time to take them off. I just sort of stood there while he took his pants off and I was a little freaked when I saw his erection.


It wasn’t scary huge, or deformed or anything, it’s just that it made this all so real. This wasn’t some crazy make out session, this was happening. Zero to sixty with this VAMPIRE, just like I’d fantasized.


Anyway, he was standing there and I was gawking or whatever, then he pulled me up against him, his erection was hard against my stomach. He pressed into me, and I pressed back which was apparently me saying yes to something.


He was watching my face when he took my hand and wrapped it around him, and now things got SUPER real.


I know now, that he did that because he wanted to be sure I was still on board and wasn’t going to kill him. At the time I thought he just wanted me to touch him. I’m sure he did, but that was only part of it.


So there I was with his thing in my hand and it felt weird, but good. I don’t mean his thing felt weird, because…it’s a very nice thing. It was just weird to be standing in my room holding onto it. He must have liked it because he pressed up against me and wriggled around a little. When I still wasn’t exactly sure what to do he put his hand over mine and showed me. He made some noises that got me super excited and then I couldn’t move my hand anymore because he was pressed so tight against me. He sort of tried to kiss me but he was kind of out of control and that was a huge turn on. Imagine me, getting this super hot vampire guy all worked up and crazy.


“Oh god, I have to…are you ready?” NOW he sounded sort of like Scott, a boy begging and whimpering, hoping I wouldn’t say no.


“Oh god yes,” I told him. Of course I expected he’d lay me back on the bed and get on top and you know the routine, but he had other things in mind.


I went to lay down and he said “No.” Not sounding like a boy at all.


OK, call me confused.


“On your knees…”


It’s pretty ballsy for anyone to tell the Slayer to get on her knees. It’s practically a death wish for a vampire. I thought for at least a nanosecond, that I should make him sorry he said that, but I decided not to because, so far, everything had been pretty terrific.


I knelt on my bed, facing him and he gave me a tiny chuckle and said, “No, Luv, turn around.”


And believe it or not I did. He pulled my hips towards him and I fell forwards. There I was, on my knees, ass up and him crawling up behind me, when all of a sudden something occurred to me.


“Hey, you’re not going to?!!! Because, you know…after all the talk about it the other day.”


“How ‘bout we save that for a rainy day? But it’s your fault for putting it in my head to begin with,” he pointed out. Seriously, was THIS the time to scold me?


The next part is pretty clinical. He put his hand between my legs, felt around a bit, slid a finger inside, I guess to check my readiness. He gave a little grunt of delight when he discovered I was, indeed, ready, and then he was rubbing the head of his erection all around, getting it lubed up and lined up. He was holding onto it with one hand and had his other on my hip. “Ready Slayer?” By this time I thought that was pretty clear, but I guess he figured it would be prudent to check one last time.


I admit I was a little…worried. I had never done it doggie style, and I hadn’t planned to any time soon, so I wasn’t  mentally ready, but I was SO ready in every other way. I was about ready to die if he wasn’t inside me in the next 2 seconds, so I pressed my ass up against him and said, “Yes.”


Then dammit, he said, “Good girl.” I wanted to sock him (because seriously, what an ass of a thing to say) but I wanted him to fuck me, so I let myself get over it.


He pushed inside me and there was searing, burning pain. I gasped. “Shhh,” he told me, “it’ll be OK, give it a minute, give it just a minute.” His hand was resting on the small of my back, not moving, just resting there firm and somehow reassuring.


For a few seconds I was raging with anger that he was doing it to me THIS way. Why couldn’t he just do it the normal way which probably wouldn’t have hurt at all? Then I felt a flash terror, in this position he could do all sorts of things to me like choke me, bite me, rape me, shove me down on the bed and smother me WHILE he raped me.


Before I reacted to any of those thoughts, he started moving and I about died from how good it felt. Worlds of mind blowing goodness.


“Oh Luv,” he murmured. He was moving slowly at first, and I KNOW I shoved my ass up against him. I mean, this was freaking amazing. “You want it?” he said, his voice was low, but it wasn’t a whisper. Spike never whispers.


“Yesss…”  I wanted it, I was crazy for it. An insane madness had taken me over.


He was moving in a slow rhythm, pushing into me with firm, deep strokes. There was still burning. I was conscious of it, but I didn’t care. I just needed him. Lots of him…inside me, faster and deeper and I started moving around and he said, “Hold on, relax Slayer, we’ve got to do this together.”


I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant, because how much more together could we be?


“You want it faster?” he checked.


“Fuck yes.” I shoved my ass up against him for emphasis.


“So do I.” He gave that sort of chuckle again. “Come on Slayer, do it with me. Show me how you want me to fuck you.”


My brain registered that this guy was saying things to me that I shouldn’t let him get away with, but the rest of me didn’t care.


“Oh god, just fuck me.” Wow, was that voice and those words coming out of ME?!!!


He took my hips and set a pace, a nice fast energetic one. It was so crazy good that I was biting my lip, and making noises and moving my head from side to side and grabbing onto the blanket. Then, he was driving into me in one crazy long hard deep...THRUST! It hurt enough that I squeaked but he kept pushing in…then he came…all shoved up deep inside me. Deeper than I thought his cock could go. Deeper than I thought anything could go. I could feel every detail, I could feel him getting bigger and bigger, then TOO big, then he was coming...surging inside of me. He was holding me tightly so I couldn’t wiggle away until he was done. It was in that exact moment I realized how strong he was, stronger than I’d ever have guessed from fighting him.


It hurt a LOT, but it was OK. The pain was part of it. I had said “yes” and I had wanted this, to feel his lust and strength and power.. and to feel him screw into me until he was done.


And then he was done. “Damn that was good.” He pulled back slightly, not out, just far enough that it didn’t hurt anymore. He was leaning over me, panting.


I was still ass up, clinging to the blanket. I realized how sweaty I was and wondered how my mother hadn’t heard us and why she wasn’t in here with her shotgun.


“You alright?” Spike asked, like he’d finally remembered I was there.


“Yeah. I think so.” I felt like I was surfacing after being underwater. My head was beginning to clear.


“God Damn Slayer, the way you fuck.” Clearly this was a compliment, though I wasn’t so sure I’d earned it, mostly he’d been fucking me, but the “god damn” part I wholeheartedly agreed with.


I felt him shrinking inside me and I pushed up onto my hands and knees. He asked if I had tissues and told me it was going to be messy. (which I hadn’t thought much about. Scott had used a condom)


“On the night stand.”


He pulled out and I felt sad. I think I even made a sad sound. It was over, all the crazy, all the sound that had been packed into my head, all the being filled so much I thought I would burst, all of it…over.


He handed me several tissues which I shoved between my legs. It stung and smarted. He’d gone at me hard.


Then he was stretching out beside me and pulling me to him. I crept up against his body. I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way…like I needed to be up against him. I needed to taste his skin and smell him and press my face into his chest. He yanked me to him and threw a leg over me. I just wanted to be his.


What happened to girl power? What happened to “Hey you big jerk, weren’t you supposed to be gentle and loving, and at least do it face to face so I could look at you and push you off of me when you got to forceful” What happened to all that?


Instead I wanted to be plastered against him, or better yet burrowed into his chest. The soreness and burning weren’t making me angry. My body had totally betrayed me because the pain was making me feel grateful and hungry.  I was already wondering when I could feel him inside me again. This was wrong. It had to be wrong. It didn’t feel wrong.


Spike was holding me close to him, pleased and sleepy. I snuggled closer still. I would have been completely happy to have had him collapse on top of me and smash me into the bed.


I’d never understood what people meant when they said “She’s a woman now” when a girl loses her virginity. It sounded condescending and sexist.  I wasn’t a virgin, there’d been that time with Scott, but it was nothing like this. I didn’t feel like a woman after Scott and I had sex. I’d felt exactly the same.


But now? Here with Spike, I DID feel different, COMPLETELY different. During all the madness something had clicked into place. Now I knew what it was like to be a woman with a man. I let him inside me and I let him take me and I loved it, craved it, wanted it and needed it.


My mind had betrayed everything I’d been taught and wanted to believe about myself. Girl power! I was a strong independent woman. I didn’t need a man, not for anything. I could get myself off. I was smart and strong and sexy, but even though all of those things were true... this was true as well.


I had never in my life,felt that I was where I belonged as much as I had felt it when he drove into me, fucking me, coming inside me. And again here now, tucked against him, his arm and leg thrown over me possessively. I wanted to be here. He had taken me where I had wanted to be.


I hadn’t expected any of this. I never even knew a feeling like this existed…but I definitely felt like a woman now.


I bit his ear, then his shoulder and in his sleepy haze he growled at me but in a good way. He liked me nipping at him. I bit his shoulder, hard and long, not hard enough to break the skin, but enough mark him as mine.


He opened an eye, smiled and kissed my forehead. “You’re amazing, you know that?” he said. And for all that I had felt, one second ago, like I belonged to him, and he had taken me, I now felt perfectly equal to him.


He had felt something too, fucking me, coming deep inside me, pulling me close now in this sweaty embrace. He felt something too.


We were laying on top of the blanket so I shoved at him and he got up and we crawled back under it together.


I had never slept with a man. I mean, sleep as in eyes closed, dreaming with a body touching mine under the blankets. And so another piece fell into place, a sense of belonging. He didn’t hurry away when it was over. True, he might not have had anywhere to go, or at least anywhere with such nice accommodations, but still, that was how I felt.


Later, he shook me from sleep. “I have to go.”


I felt a shudder of terror go through me…go?


“It’ll be dawn soon,” he explained


“Oh, yes…right.”


“Buffy…” He’d never called me by name before. I’d never heard it on his lips. Instead of saying anything more, he kissed me.


“Will I see you again?” I asked in a sort of panic.


“Yes.” He said in that voice, the calm “are you over yourself yet?” voice, except he didn’t wait for me to get over myself before saying, “Yes, of course.”


I went to sit up and winced.

“Sore yeah?” he chuckled, then said in a gentler voice. “There might be some blood, but it’s nothing to worry about.”


“You know I’m not…I mean, wasn’t a virgin.” It seemed weird to be whispering that in the dark now.


“Yeah, still… I don’t think it was quite like this.”


“No, it really wasn’t.”


He kissed me again. “Gotta run, the Sun…”


“Yes, that’s right…go.” I watched him dress and climb out the window.


I hurt, and I had to pee, so I put on my pajamas and went to the bathroom. There was more blood than I’d anticipated. I wasn’t actually bleeding, but there were streaks, lots of them. We hadn’t used a condom. His semen was, dripping out of me, and somehow it was shocking. He was still here inside of me, even though he was gone. I sat there and cried and sobbed, not because I was sad, but because things were different now, so very different and I could never go back.


I hadn’t felt that vulnerable in a very long time. I knew that when I went back to my room he’d be gone, but there would be the smell of him on my blanket and sheets and these drops and dribbles of him slipping out from between my legs.


I lay in bed for another 2 hours, but I did not sleep. I wondered if I’d ever be able to sleep without him again.






Are all the stories in this book true? 

Yes. There are some holes because there are stories I chose not to tell for my own privacy or to protect the privacy of others. I have left out or changed some names for the same reason. But all the stories I chose to tell are absolutely true. None are enhanced.


Buffy, you said Spike was impressed with the guy who played him in the show, how about you? What were your feeling on the actress who played you? Was she like you in personality or was the dumb blond routine total made up? 


I’m not sure if you want to know if I’m cool with the actress or with the way the character is written, so I’ll try to answer both and hope I hit on what you want to know.

The actress was great and an incredibly hard worker. When I see what they went through to film that show, I am impressed. My work as a Slayer was definitely more dangerous, but I don’t think I actually worked harder than the actors did, if we are talking about hours put in.

The way Buffy is written in the show is quite a bit like me. I’m not as “good” as TV Buffy, and sadly, I’m afraid I was not as good a friend as she was. The Slayer years hit at the very age when people learn how to form critical friendships. I had great friends, but due to my calling I wasn’t nearly as available to them as I should have been. I had to learn how to be a good friend when I was in my 20’s. I had to learn how to treat people when it wasn’t all about me and my mission.

The dumb blonde thing that you mention, is half true. I wasn’t dumb, but I was often distracted, either by the mission, or by me trying to deal with life in spite of the mission. I had a hard time doing both at the same time during the early years. 

Also, during the early years, a lot of information was held back by my Watchers, I was working on blind faith a lot of the time. They kept me ignorant of details, so sometimes I said and did really stupid things simply because I didn’t really know what was going on.




Chapter End Notes:

Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think. I love reviews. 


As always, Buffy is taking questions. Leave them in a review and she will answer them after the next installment. 

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