You capture their S7 relationship so well! Simultaneous fear, guilt and longing all wrapped together. And there's something really powerful in her not wanting to follow script because it requires her to repeat old cruelty to him--even though its not actually him, it hurts all the same. Super interested in where things go from here!
PS: I am lowkey wondering if Angel will show up from the spell or if Spike was just joking in that offhanded comment on AtS S5
I'm so glad you've been reading and enjoying, and let me tell you, I never get tired of hearing that the S7 relationship is working for someone because it is definitely putting me through the wringer.
PS: You lowkey may be onto something here.
Gahhhhh I love love love this story so far. Your writing and character voices are so accurate - especially Buffy’s - that I feel like this has come straight out of the show. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
Gaahhhh, I'm so happy you're reading and enjoying, and that Buffy's voice is working for you. And the show comparison makes me !!!! My delayed response here is because I've just now calmed down enough to reply, one week later.
When I grow up, I want to write as well as you do.
This is really, really great.
So, I am just now responding to this comment ten days later because it made me so overwhelmed with feelings that I think I've finally calmed down to do so. I woke up to it, and damn, is that a way to start your day, especially since this is coming from YOU, Buffy dialogue-r extraordinaire.
Hell. I’ve been putting off reading this chapter because I knew I couldn’t deal with it, because I can’t deal with S7, because of the reason you put: “It feels like I broke him,” Buffy said softly, looking at the hands she was clasping tightly in her lap. “Or, worse, like I killed him, or I guess the soulless him, and now he’s back as a ghost. But, like, a weird half-stranger ghost. And if I don’t find a way to fix him now, then I’m never going to get the chance to know who this Spike is. And I hate that because . . . because . . .”
You’ve worded everything exactly right. I love Willow being honest and helpful. I love the humor in all this. I still hate S7, and I really hate crying, but I’ll keep reading anyway, because this is really f-ing wonderful.
I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're still giving this a chance, despite the unrelenting S7 angst. I know I've said this before, but I definitely started writing this going, "oh, what a fun idea!" and then when I really let the characters take me to where they needed to be taken I was like "MISTAKE! TERRIBLE MISTAKE! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF."
So I appreciate you coming back to this and trusting me with all these messy feelings.
Ooooo!!! Can’t wait for the update!!! I read on my kindle but wanted to check in and comment! Living for this story!!!
Thank you for letting me know you're enjoying!!! And I'm sorry for the delay on the next bit. You'll see the reason why posted here in a bit, as I may have, uh, gone a little overboard on the SS fic.
Oooh, love the way this is going! So steamy and (for Buffy) eye opening. Great job!! I can't wait to read more!
Yay, glad you're enjoying. More should be coming soon, now that I think I've got this SS story sorted.
And yes, Buffy being able to revisit some of what happened with non-depressed eyes is important, I think, on so many levels.
I need to once again point out that your writing is unbelievably good, and that you're just excellent at showing us a heartbreaking portrait of s6 Spuffy. And I just love the way Buffy's older and healthier perspective on it all lets her see how much she's grown since then.
I also need to point out just how much I love the way you still manage to sneak in so many hilarious lines here and there. I LOVE that, it's one of the aspects of your writing I prefer the most. :D
Also, the bit with Spike asking her what she's looking for, at the beginning, while unbuttoning her shirt... *fans self* I mean, it ends in heartbreaking dirtybadwrong nastiness, but it was HELLA hot while it lasted. And well, I did tell you about how much I loved the almost-came-from-tit-play bit, right? Because LOVE.
Speaking of nastiness, btw, I did want to say that I really appreciate the way you don't spare Spike's nastiness. You don't spare Buffy's, either, but Spike wasn't a sweet puppy during that time, either. I mean, you know my thoughts on that haha what I mean is, it's painfully in-character for both, with all of their shortcomings. And boy, that ending...
Can't wait to get to the final happy ending with these two, my friend.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us and for letting me be part of it!!
Here's me, way too late in responding to this, but that's really because I've just calmed down about it, and because you give me so much to think of, always!
When I started this fic, I knew I wanted to do this, because I felt like it was important for Buffy to be able to look at that period clear-eyed, in what is essentially a safe place over which she has control. Obviously, there's still lots of nastiness there, given their both such reactive creatures, but also things that a different her sees in new ways.
Annnnnd I mean what I say when I write that this chapter wouldn't exist if I didn't have someone to send things to beforehand, so thank YOU. I am going to get to that ending ... eventually.
Now I feel like an asshole for what I said about replying to comments... *facepalm* I'm sorry if I was a bit of a bitch about that, but please know that I do know you appreciate my comments.
Seriously, giving Buffy the opportunity to look at their tryst in this fashion and context was a stroke of genius. I'm so glad we have the privilege of exploring this idea through your brilliant writing.
I know you're gonna get to that ending, just as I know we're all gonna love it when you do!
It's not that easy for her to find a moment she wants to relive. Her anger and denial during that time, makes it difficult for her. It also forces her to realise how much she hurt him.
The chapter was written in a really good way. The way Buffy is thinking now and the echo of her 5houghts then, all good.
Thanks so much! I'm glad it worked for you--this chapter had been haunting me for a good long while.
That was definitely Spike’s penis. Penis of Spike. Not fully hard, but getting there now that it had an audience. Cute line that I can hear Buffy think quite clearly. That, she had not blown up.
Actually, your Buffy voice is delightfully spot-on throughout.
The fact that she and Spike were so simpatico when it came to sex had been, in and of itself, a constant terrible surprise. Yes, he freed her sexually and it terrified her what she found in her freedom.
One thing she might be learning with these false starts is that it really wasn't so bad and that what he offered could have been very good if she'd let it be so. Interesting.
It's going to be a long night for Buffy I think.
I'm glad my Buffy voice works. I'd like to claim it's great authorship, but I largely think it's because my brain works a lot like hers, in terms of making jokes to avoid darkness and falling into the pit trap of long terrible metaphors.
It's definitely going to be a journey for Buffy, and I think she will come out of it with a much better understanding of herself.
Oh wow. You did such a wonderful job with this. It was hot, yes, but also painful to read. I hurt so much for both of them. Excellent work, as always.
Thank you so much for this comment--I'm always sorry it takes me so long to respond, but that's usually because I'm so overwhelmed by them that I think in !!!!!!! for the next few weeks.
I do promise that eventually we will have some not-painful hotness. Hopefully :)
Oh gosh. This was great. The conflicting Buffy thoughts are written so well.
I'm so glad you liked it, as this chapter really has been sitting in a corner of my head for TWO YEARS. Thanks for reading!
Once again, you deliver everything I didn't know I wanted! Dirty-talking Spike is my fave. The tension between then-Buffy and now-Buffy is so delicious. And that she cuts off that last quote at Will(IAM) ... Telling, no?
If you can't tell, dirty-talking Spike is MY FAVE too, even if in the process of writing it I end up embarrassing myself.
And yes, it IS telling.
Thanks, as always, for reading.
Wow, that was hot. I wonder if this is really just a memory.
It's definitely just a memory, the kind of super-enhanced magic memory that all writers who want to be able to write sex scenes before her characters are actually ready to have sex again are fond of :)
Glad it worked for you, and glad you are reading!
Something tells me that finding a moment of love during their "it's not a relationship" is going to be harder than Buffy realised. It looks as though she'd blocked out all the badness, that was mostly triggered by her own emotional detachment, and the way she refused any true intimacy, because if she had, she'd have had to admit Spike truly loved her.
It's definitely going to be hard to find a memory that she wants to stay in, methinks. And yes, she's blocked a lot out, although I do think she does know the tenor of a lot of it was cruel. I think it's both her protecting herself from behavior she doesn't want to recognize, and also just the slipperiness of memory.
Thanks, as always, for reading!
Oh man, lots of mixed feels here. Loving how there is no lack of conflict here. What next?!
WHAT NEXT INDEED.
Ahem. I do believe "mixed feels" is gonna go on my tombstone one day.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
oh, ho, interesting conundrum. She's trying to recreate a moment of love through memories, but those memories were built at a time that she wouldn't allow herself, or him, to feel love. Obviously, she finds one since we know Drusilla comes, but it'll be interesting to see how much naughty she relives with the commentary of modern Buffy's self-recrimination before she finds the right memory.
It's definitely going to take some doing to find that memory that hits the right note! And yes, there is no world here where Spike is not cured, but shhhhhhhhh :)
Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Full of conflictive emotions, then and now. But somehow very sweet and sad. And fabulous - no somehow in that, it's just your talent.
This comment made me so happy that it has literally taken me three weeks to calm down about it. I'm so glad that it worked for you; this one kept me up at nights.
And the award for most frustrating cockblock goes to....
Gotta say though, this is an awesome way for her to make this realization, but I'm hard pressed to think of a way this doesn't become a painful cycle.
Does the award have sparkles? Or is it shaped like a pitchfork and gets thrown at me?
You can rest assured I do hope to leave Buffy in a better place because of this, but it's definitely a fic where it's slow-going.
So I was browsing the comments here and realised... I haven't actually left a comment?? I have all these thinky thoughts I was sure I'd shared... *facepalm*
I'm so curious to see where you're gonna go with Kennedy, especially considering that you've told me you have some sort of plan for her. And I'm so glad Buffy got to have that talk with the Potentials, especially since a. We got to see a bit of personality from their part, and b. She actually shared a bit of vulnerability with them, and thus a connection... I really loved that bit. Hopefully, that'll also mean fewer insensitive words from her, if Chloe ends up like in canon.
Oh, and I wanna know what's being Dawn's strange expression too! You story is just so full of great and interesting bits, how do you even do it? Speaking of, Willow is a damn saviour here. I love her and their friendship moment and everything she says about Spike SO DAMN MUCH.
All in all, I keep being in love with this story and hella honoured to help you with it.
Getting this was a lovely surprise yesterday--mostly because you already share so many thinky thoughts in the margins when you beta! These feel like bonus thinky thoughts!
I do have a plan for Kennedy! Thanks to you! And I'm glad you liked the talk with the potentials; I think she's definitely starting to see them as girls, not pieces on a board, which will be helpful.
God knows I like sharing my thoughts even when people don't appreciate it hahaha so if you do, it makes me even happier to do so!
I can't wait to see what you have in store for Kennedy and YAS, it'll definitely be helpful. <3
Hot damn! She finally did it! I wonder if she’s going to have any realizations about her and Spike while she relives this scene. Also full disclosure: I read this like a week ago but was too caught up to make comments, so I just went back and noted my fave things from each chapter also, also: I NEVER read season 7 fics but you have shown me the error of my ways! I love this so much! Update soon
Oh gosh, I am so honored and grateful you came back and left comments! Honestly, it couldn't have come at a better time for me, because I was actually in the process of working on the new chapter and lolling around in a pit of self-doubt as to whether anyone other than me really wants to read S7 fics. The fact that I've won over someone who avoids them makes me feel
Buffy is definitely going to have some new realizations as she relives some of these memories. And the next chapter is going up today!
Talking is good! Feeling like Buffy has set herself up for a whole lotta awkward down the line by not telling Spike though also Willow and Buffy
Ha, oh gosh, I know she has. I debated having her tell him, but a part of me also couldn't cut myself off from all the wonderful potential for tension that will come from some awkwardly interrupted outings!
Buffy is her best self when she has something to fix! I found it so so so endearing that she’s choosing not to take the easy way out with Anya performing the spell
You're so right--when she can be action-oriented, I think she shines. It's the words that trip her up!
Buffy and Dawn clearing the air (and Spuffy hugs) is everything I wanted from s7 and more
Ha, when I started this, I wasn't even thinking of it as a fix-it fic, and then as I plotted I realized, oh, it's a fix-it fic.
Yeah, Kennedy has been listening to something she shouldn't. No surprise there in how she reacted. THAT is why I never liked her... that attitude that rules didn't apply to her, that she was somehow more than the others (even Buffy at times). Her air of superiority annoyed the hell out of me. Buffy had all the responsibility and no control with those girls and Giles wasn't around to help just kept bringing more back and dumping them on her.
“Well, count me out. Not going to spend any more time in this sororal nightmare than I have to.” I have to agree with Anya. I'd opt out too and I love ice cream! She's pretty surly though just as in canon at this point.
I like that Willow isn't judgmental of Spike in the general sense just protective of how Buffy feels. She's right, she's in no position to judge (none of them are really. Tara might have been and Dawn but none of the others... they resided in glass houses by now).
Nice to see Willow and Buffy bonding. Buffy hinted at bad behavior on her part in how she treated Spike. I really wish she'd fessed up to that in canon.
Now the spell. Good choice of times. They were in a place of least destruction that time, enough that Spike even asked if she liked him at all.
I'm a bit concerned with Kennedy in the house and maybe a tool of the FE.
Anya in the house is convenient as she definitely is one of Spike's former lovers. Save her the walk or drive.
Interestingly, I think Kennedy actually shares a lot of qualities that make Buffy a great Slayer but that also tend to blow up in her face if they aren't also checked by outside forces. Kennedy interests me because we're also told she's grown up with money, which I think probably fanned the flames of privilege too. When those flames are also fanned by the First, I think there's the potential for some interesting results.
I feel a little for Anya, needing to live in the house for protection with someone who recently tried to kill her.
I think the spell is going to take Buffy to some unexpected places.
As always, thanks so much for reading!!!!!
Thanks for this and indirect thanks to MaggieLaFey. So pleased this fic is continuing and can't guess where it's going which is great.
Oh, it's continuing! Slowly, snail-ily . . . but continuing. I am going to finish it if it kills me.
So glad you're still here reading, and that I'm keeping you on your toes!