This reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband about Viet Nam - he had to serve in that war - and he said to me that war was the ultimate and utter failure of humanity. I'm glad that you are giving them a way to not have to be the the ultimate killers and symbols of humans and their ultimate failure.
Buffy doesn't want to lose her humanity, and Spike is willing to walk that path with her. I think it's important that she stay human, inside at least, even when she's like this.
or her strength, and her power, and her ingenuity, and her loyalty, and just... her. He thanked god for her. - How telling that he thanks god. Because even now, she is nothing but goodness to him
Also, Spike has so much goodness in him. I really, really hope Buffy sees that... soon. He just stopped her from hating herself forever by having to kill a bunch of people. That's amazing love right there. Our caretaker vampire.
Spike is doing amazing with his newest little souled up chitling... He already has it so bad for her.
Finally working on leaving much delayed reviews! I read all three of your stories but RL made it impossible to keep up with timely reviews. . I'm finishing this one first because I was fairly far along in commenting before everything went sideways. I get the pleasure of re-reading not just this but the other stories too so I am not too upset about that part of it!
Truthfully, it didn’t look good for the sod, but Spike didn’t actually care whether he died or not, so he said, “He’s fine.” I like how he's trying to protect her from the very real possibility that Riley is going to die. Really being a vampire with a soul is such a difficult existence. I love that he understands that to a degree.
“I really thought you’d turned on me for a bit, there." ... “I did, too,” Slayer said quietly. Yeah if the werewolf had been Oz she probably wouldn't have forgiven Spike at all at this point. She's still too insistent that humans (or all but 3 days of the month humans) don't deserve death. She can focus on those 3 days a demon as long as it isn't Oz. Poor girl has so many conflicting thoughts. She's been told half truths and outright lies by Angel (and the Council too for that matter) and it's made it so hard on her to be a vampire with that soul. It's not just that she's a turned Slayer but she's one who has a hard wired program at odds with her instincts to deal with.
“Out of her mind,” Spike said. “And not in the fun let's watch the stars swirl on the ceiling way.” I had to laugh at this. Yes I imagine some of Dru's more benign madness was a bit of fun.
They don’t want this place found out. Nope. Maybe the rest of the world wouldn't care what the Initiative was doing to demons but what they were doing to the soldiers would be illegal at the very least.
“It means, I think Professor Walsh was playing with her employee’s hearts. And not in the romantic sense. I love the way he put it LOL. Yes she was indeed. She had no problem doing her experimentation on humans as well as demons. The Initiative was a threat to everyone not just the demon world.
“Oh, and if you’d asked nice, he was just gonna let you stroll off, was he? Bloody hell, this was the bugger who shot you last week!” Points to the vampire! While I admire Buffy's dedication to protecting humans even now that she's a vampire she still is stuck in the human = good mindset as a default.
The Initiative had to be shut down, it was an institution as toxic and poisonous as any demonic cult, torturing its own members as well as countless demons, of both good and evil persuasion, and preparing to open its doors and probably torture other innocent humans as well. Exactly! The Initiative IS evil in its plans and implementation. They were too smart and too dumb, both at the same time. Yes, a little bit of knowledge is dangerous indeed. It was that way in canon too. They had learned so much but also nothing at all.
She looked up at Spike. None of that was going to bother him. ... “Shag me to burn your soul off,” Spike said. “Right?” Yup her snapped to her plan and purpose. She knows she MUST be done but can't live with herself if she does it. She knows the problem is the soul so she wants it gone so she can do what is needed. She is the classic traumatized soldier who must kill but cannot live with doing so. Poor Spike being used (shades of canon where he was little more than a self activated sex toy).
I’m not a pair of sodding nail clippers you can use to shape your body to what you want it to be. Maybe this last week’s meant nothing more to you than that, but that’s not how I roll, slayer.” ... Buffy hadn’t thought of it like that, but he was right. That was all she had been thinking of him as. I am glad that Spike didn't let himself be used and that he pointed it out to Buffy. I'm also glad she realized it was the truth and knew it was wrong.
“You can’t do that, we’ll think of some other way to shut this place down.” That is one of the very best things about Spike...he adapts, he finds a way. He sees all kinds of shades and doesn't get stuck in black/white choices. When a way isn't visible he will clear the brush and make a way.
Ooh! *happy dances at the return of the Kathleen!*
The thing is, Spike knew Angel, and knew that that soul made killing hard for him. I think he thinks of it like some kind of disability, and he handled Dru's well enough. Slightly indulgent, without letting it take over. That whole "What about your pretty dress, pet," thing is very telling. He has to remind Dru about reality. He knows how to take care of his loves when something is going to get in the way. Yeah, he's trying to protect her, just instinctively.
Oh, the Initiative was all kinds of layers of creepy. I wish they'd kept Walsh as the big bad, rather than shunting it all on the creepy monster (I know, I know, she left) but that really was the heart of the issue, the basic institutional evil of the circumstance. Not... "Here. Scary monster. Kill."
Buffy has a hard time thinking of Spike as a whole person, even as a vampire herself. I actually did find Buffy very selfish very regularly. That doesn't mean I actively dislike her, she was risking her life all the time and every deserves to be a little selfish sometimes. But when it came to her lovers (yes, even Angel and Riley, both of whom I hate) and even Dawn and her mother, she usually thought about what she wanted first. She was willing to destroy the world to save Dawn. She was willing to let hundreds of nameless people die so she didn't have to kill Angel when he first turned to Angelus. She is very selfish sometimes, and she's being selfish here, trying to use Spike. But he hasn't been pining for her as long as season 5 Spike had, and he hasn't had to suffer without her like season 6 Spike did, so he's a little more self-protective when it comes to Buffy right now. He knows what's what.
Fortunately, there were other ways.
Angel and Willow need to rot in hell for what they have done to her. Angel for turning her and Willow for jamming a soul into her without asking.
Angel should have known better. Willow... shouldn't have jumped in WITHOUT knowing better.
Wow didn't know what to think there for a second I thought she really switched sides! Thank goodness I was wrong! Love this story!
Spike was right there beside you on the confusion. And you know what else? (Shh! I think Buffy was, too!)
Well. Now I've read all of it - all 15 chapters, that is - in one go. I think this is absolutely my favourite of your stories, and I usually love them. You make them so in-character, and mostly everything COULD have happened in the show. Just little things changed and wham! Whole new universe.
Can't wait for the next chapter!!
Aww, wow! Thank you! I work real hard on nailing character, I very much feel that's the whole point. I'm so glad you like!
Hell yeah! If the character isn't believable anymore, whst the heck is the point in writing fanfiction?
Poor thing...she's so twisted up inside, I don't see how she could ever have a moment of perfect happiness....even from boinking Blondie Bear..just sayin'.....Dark waters ahead I fear for our dynamic duo, all is not well in Spuffyland at the moment........It was very sad when she begged Spike to not let her hurt her Mum :(.She is so lost... I really feel sorry for her. Angel is an evil, manipulative, ass, for maneuvering her into a position, where he could create this scenario in the first place...he might say he had no choice, but I don't buy it.
Boinking Blondie Bear should help... but yeah probably not perfect happiness material on a desk in the initiative. And can you imagine the fall-out when she discovered it didn't work then and there? *shudders* Angel was... very very evil. And he had a choice. Spike knew it. Buffy sort of knows it, too.
You mean ....like Angel knew he didn't have to turn her; she could have been saved..... or.... that he was taking too much blood too fast for her to recover from without a trip to the nearest hospital....or.... that he could show Buffy physical affection, without putting either soul in danger off imminent evacuation into soullessness? ......Two of them would be guaranteed to cause maximum emotional/psychological pain, and or, death....big heaping buckets of death. I suppose, it could also be argued, that Buffy's devastation over becoming a vampire, combined with Angel's emotional and physical abandonment, could very well have driven her to such despondency, that it could have cost her, her life........ I really think, that Angel's character bordered on sociopathic. Failure to accept responsibility for his actions, sexual promiscuity , early behavioral problems, conning and manipulative behavior, etc, etc........ I never liked his character and could never understand why the writers had the other characters hold him on such a pedestal of virtue, or, conversely, why they treated Spike so badly..........Wow!! You're making me think deep thoughts here! Stop it now I say!!:) Make pretty word pictures of pretty bleach, blonde, hunky vampire, so I can read and drool over said hunky, blonde vampire!:).........and I promise to have one minute of silence for Riley's passing.......promise.
Lol... yeah. One silent minute while you're actually thinking about hunky Spike....
Good, Buffy has figured out that evil humans sometimes have to be killed and she doesn't have to feel bad about it. All those people that are just following orders is another thing. They are doing evil things but they aren't evil. It's so complicated for her. She knows that the place has to be destroyed but she can't let all those people die. She should actually, each of them are carrying a little piece of knowledge that can be put together. Their deaths would be a huge mark on Buffy's soul. She's not that kind of person who can fell a bomb over a city for the hope that it would save more lives in the end.
That's such a big part of her that I think she still would have a problem even without the soul. It would be a lot easier though. Slayer is scared of course, the only one like her is Angel and she saw what happened when he lost it.
I'm glad Spike didn't let her use him. It wouldn't have worked but getting rid of the soul should be a good moment, not an act of desperation.
A soul journey should be a sweet affair, not something... dismissive and sordid. (Wouldn't work anyway, but she didn't know that.) But she is scared. VERY scared.
Yay Spike! He was beautiful in this chapter. I love that he didn't just let Buffy use him, but I also love that he realised where she was coming from and understood. This Buffy and Spike are perfect for each other. Great chapter, looking forward to more!
Well, they are both vampires, screwed over by their sires, and specifically Angel. Gotta have something in common...
Buffy is a pretty powerful vampire... Not surprised or anything, its just a different thing seeing it in action like that.
I wonder how they're going to take down the initiative now that Plan A is out the window.
So I guess she is going to give up that soul of hers... Pretty crummy of her to try and use Spike that way, but she didn't even realize it until he pointed it out.
She is so lost. Her very nature goes against who she is now. I wonder if she has to fight the slayer urge to hurt herself, seeing her undead nature. I can't imagine her ever finding peace.
I will keep my fingers crossed.
Thanks for the update!
She didn't even realize how cruel she was being to Spike... but then, her only relationship model at all is ANGEL! Which... yeah. No. She is very, very twisted in her own nature, soul and demon without any acceptance of each other. Thanks for reading!
Great chapter! It was inevitable that Buffy had a breakdown. I'm glad that Spike talked some sense into her. That was not the time nor the place to make a decision like that. And Spike isn’t a tool, just like he said. Poor Buffy. I hope she can find some balance, one way or the other.
Yeah, that wasn't fair to SPike in this situation. But he was smart enough to sort that out.