This just popped up in the random stories, and if I haven’t said so before, I absolutely love it. It’s a layered parfait of loss and melancholy. Breaking things, symbolic of breaking with your normalcy, the fear of breaking your loved ones, your connections, your family, and just as Spike said, not being able to revel in the destruction. Ugh. Such a hard fucking road for the slayer. I love the juxtaposition of Spike explaining being turned for a vampire, the sudden strength coming with reveling in the witting and unwitting resultant destruction. Hell, I love how you have him describing her being Called as turning.
A bit ironic that Spike says vampires revel in the destruction in the way he says it:
We take pleasure in the destruction. It’s part of our new outlook. We love to break stuff up, houses, families, you name it.
But we all know what happened in canon. Spike did not revel in the breaking of his own family, and in fact it was the deepest shame and despair of his unlife (or close to it). That in attempting to repair and heal his mother, he destroyed her and then was forced to destroy her demonic likeness. Spike is undoubtedly a fascinating study of contradiction.
Again, this is just beautiful and sad and poignant and and and.[Report This]
Oh the feelsss 😢 That so close yet so far -ness, you capture it so very beautifully and with all of the ouch gleaming bright.
Thank you 💙
Oh, yes, you could cut yourself on the bittersweet with this one. *offers tissues*
Omg I have all the feelings. This entire series was so beautiful, I feel like it really fed my soul. Pure genius, well done
Oh, goodness, this one. Do you know this was supposed to be my swan song? Yeah, it wasn't. I'm so glad you enjoyed it, thank you for reading!
Despite all the horror they experienced that night, this was just lovely.
Spike was grief stricken. to discover that after his his incredible struggle to make things right, he was being used to kill people. One of the series' most powerful scenes was an exhausted Spike, sprawled on the floor, trying to make it easier for Buffy to kill him. How did he go from ready to die to Buffy's coach? You gave us the journey, step by painful step.
I remember wondering about the blanket, surrounding a stoic Spike like a shield as the Scoobies, and Buffy, discussed him as if he wasn't there. Buffy still wouldn't admit to protecting him for his benefit; she said she had to keep Spike close to Spike because he'd been closet to whatever was playing them, and she needed to learn about it. But at that point, she had to give the Scoobies and Dawn justification for keeping him in her home after he'd been killing and feeding from, humans. Maybe that blanket WAS her way of shielding him from the harshness of her words to her friends.
Beautifully done. I'd love to see more of their relationship and communication.
Spike had every right to be shocked and griefstriken after discovering he'd been used to kill. It was painful to have him, of all people, with a soul already drenched in blood, having to face this AGAIN.
That blanket spoke volumes to me. So much was said in utter silence with it. Just like so much is said when Buffy cleans the blood off Spike's chin in her own basement later.
I love your missing scenes! They always satisfy a need I didn't know I had, providing clarity to scenes that are missing motivation or clarification in cannon. Also in cannon I had so much trouble understanding sometimes what Spike saw in Buffy because she was often so awful to him in their exchanges especially in S5 and S6, your missing scenes help fill that gap. I like your version not Buffy in S5-6 so much more than the cannon version, and you do a great job of smoothing out the rushed writing of S7.
I have so much fun filling out and filling in canon with those missing scenes. They tell so much off the camera, and it can be such important stuff. The Canon was trying to do a lot of things, trying to make in ensemble and not just a romance, so I accept that they weren't as focused on what Spuffy were doing behind the scenes as I am... so it's my job to fill that in.
Thank you so much!
It always amazes me how you take these hard, painful moments and transform them with only a hint of gentleness. It's amazing how far that soft touch goes in the process of hollowing out my insides and filling me up with feelings.
It doesn't take much to rub the graphite onto the canon and show what's there in impressions, really. That soft touch was badly needed. I'm glad you like!
Ungh soft Spike is my kryptonite, and Buffy being soft in turn is even deadlier. This episode both twisted my heart and also made me incredibly happy because of the steps their relationship took--from Spike actually calling Buffy to admit he might have been killing, to the end where he finally asks her for help (even though in Selfless he thought he never could) and her agreeing to get close to him.
And this story totally amplified both the twisting of my heart and the making me happy! Spike is famous for being able to read her and know what she needs, but in this season--and especially in this story--I think Buffy shows she knows exactly what he needs, too.
Spuffy is my kryptonite, too. I loved the idea of her finally starting to show softness to him, after months of abuse in season six, and further excruciating episodes of not dealing with him in season seven. Finally she's reaching for him. Thank you!
Wonderful stuff. Makes the heart ache for both of them, even knowing they have to get through this and come out the other side stronger for it. And go Angel for saying the right things, even if he had no idea what she was talking about. *sigh*
Angel was inadvertently helpful. Poor Buffy, I couldn't stand the idea that she just turned away and left Spike burning. So... one shot fix!
Oh, delightfully owie! "What have I done?" Indeed, Spike.
Spike made his life more complicated, not less. I still think it was the right thing to do. (Pro-soul girl here.)
Oh, lovely. Thank you. Now to check out the rest of the series.
Ooh, thanks! Some of these stories were very early in my Spuffy journey. I started out doing only one-shots. Little did I know...
I loved reading this. For the first time I wondered who made sure Spike was carefully and comfortably wrapped up in that blanket and of course it must have been Buffy. There was no one else. I love how you connected the softness of the blanket and Buffy‘s newly found softness when it comes to Spike. Thank you for a beautiful story.
That blanket, silently, unobtrusively, spoke VOLUMES to me. Who else would have done it? Spike wouldn't have thought to. Dawn hated him in season 7. The others didn't really care about him. Buffy was the one who reached out to him. I'm so glad you enjoyed!
This is sad and sweet. It's sad when thinking about the past, how Buffy couldn't accept any tenderness from Spike and wouldn't give it either. They get used to things being, well, hard between them. The sweetness is in the now with Buffy showing tenderness, when her action speaks about actually caring. It was nice to see.
Sad and sweet was exactly what I was aiming for. The action with that blanket shows caring, because Spike wouldn’t have put it around himself. Someone had to have given it to him.
This is a LOVELY scene addition that just amplifies canon perfectly.
The tenderness and understanding Buffy offered is all that kept him from walking into the sun that night. He was SO tired and afraid and done. This is a wonderful way to see how she gave him the will to continue, hope that it wouldn't always be his current hell. Beautifully done.
panting breaths his body didn’t need, gasping as if his soul was trapped in its coffin of vampiric flesh, striving for clean air LOVE this image here. Yes, it isn't just the FE he's struggling with but the weight of his sins, his soul adjusting to the reality of all those decades. Beautifully put.
Before the soul, he’d thought she would forgive him after he got it. After the soul, he knew he was unforgivable. Absolutely! I think with the trials he thought he'd either die (and pay for his sin of hurting the girl) or he'd be remade as Angel always claimed and therefore forgiven as Angel always was. But HIS soul convicted him further instead because he assumed responsibility for his soulless actions unlike Angel who liked to claim "it was Angelus, not me".
She was always carrying everyone, her friends and her sister and the fate of the world. Spike had tried to be the one thing to lift the weight off her. Put it all on me. Hit me, fuck me, break me, put it on me and let me lift Atlas’s burden off your shoulders. Oh, yes. He'd see that as a further failure in loving her properly... to add to her burden. I think that was another reason he tried to get her to kill him in the basement of her house soon after. All he ever wanted to do (once he loved her) was to love her, make her life better. All he could see was failure after failure.
“Am I still invited?’ Excellent point that I never considered. After SR she NEVER had a disinvite done on the house. That should have said it all to everyone really. NO reason not to think he'd be back.
Tonight, for maybe the first time ever, Buffy was soft with him. Yes! That was the beautiful part of S7 to me. Buffy's ACTIONS. They all said, "I love you". Her frantic need to find him when the FE had him screamed it. Sadly after the AR SPike stopped "reading" her physical signals. Without the soul he had been SO sure he read her body language and actions as revealing love unspoken and he acted on that. Her no's and never's were just words that the rest negated. Then the AR when the words were the truth and he ignored them happened. After the soul he never trusted the unspoken again. By the time she DID speak, he couldn't even believe the spoken.
Excellent. Just a beautiful story. I love this and love when you do these that expand and underscore what we saw.
I love me my canon compliants!
Spike kept Buffy from spinning off into the oblivion. It's right that she should catch him now.
Oh, yes, Spike felt his sins and owned them, just like he owned the evil he did before he gained his soul. What I'm doing is evil. What I did was evil, and it was me. That's the only way to really atone. You can't just multiple-personality your way out of culpability.
I always figured he was in a kind of shock after finding out what the First had done to him. that it would have been hard to move, or even face it. If it didn't send him back into madness - which it didn't -- he would have been suffering so harshly after finding even more weight of blood on his soul.
I loved how much Buffy's actions showed her love, forgiveness, and acceptance of Spike in season seven. She didn't always maintain it -- get it done was hard for me to watch -- but on the whole she tried to atone for her own sins by accepting Spike.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked.
Love this. Finally showing them talking things through rather than reacting
Communication is so important, and was so lacking in Spuffy for so long... I love giving them time to show it.
I always thought that someone set Spike up with the eggs.
Yeah, I think I might have come up with a better scenario now that I'm more immersed in the show/extended universe, but regardless, it just didn't make SENSE that Spike would be this mysterious "Doctor."
very sweet, very appreciated
stellar pacing, mood, tone... brava.
(re: depression break, please just try to be ok. it's so frustrating when it comes over me and i thought i'd been doing better; maybe it's similar for you maybe not. but you're not alone in it, i swear it.)
Thank you! I’m glad all those things worked.
The depression is something I struggle with a lot. I’m quite used to it and have plenty of support structures, including EF. Particularly this last year, I know I’m not alone. You have my sympathies, and thank you so much for yours.